11 weeks and 5 days

I am now almost 12 weeks and that means a great deal to me. Once that 12th week is over, we are in the second trimester! Can you guys believe we have come this far?! I can't! I should say I WOULDN'T if it weren't for the fact that I saw baby D moving with my own 2 eyes last week.

Here is my pregnancy in pictures so far:

Baby D: 7 weeks and 4 days

Here are my before pregnancy photos:

Me at 7 weeks in all my bloated glory: (I lost weight between this pic and the 3rd pic)

Me at 10 weeks 5 days:

Me at 11 weeks and 1 day:

I think the first 2 pictures were pure, major amounts of bloat because I look thinner in this picture but I have the bump. I'm positive this is a baby bump!
This is me today at 11 weeks 5 days:

 Here's baby D at 11 weeks! And some flowers, lol. The ultrasound pics are upside down so you guys can see where the head and everything is. It makes more sense this way.

 We got our special ornaments and one of them is parents to be! At 8ish weeks along I had a panic attack because I lost symptoms so I tested again to make myself feel better, lol. Lastly, I got this awesome Boppy body pillow. It is SO COMFY. I have used it every night since getting it!

 This is one of my favorite maternity outfits. I got a ton of maternity clothes given to me! I absolutely adore this fertility necklace a friend made and secretly sent me, as well! In the picture of me soaking wet, we had a hurricane (sort it! It side swiped us.) and I decided we should go down to the ocean front and take pics and video. Goodness were we soaked afterward! The last photo is a baby blanket that another friend secretly sent me! It is so adorable!

I hope you all enjoy the new blog. I know I was a bit negative and raw before but that was the point of this blog. TTC is supposed to be fun and awesome and amazing but it can turn ugly in an instant.

To Our Rainbow Baby:

We have waited so long for you and you are finally here! Last year we got pregnant with your older brother/sister but God needed him/her more than we did. We were so sad and mommy cried and cried. We tried for almost a year before we were finally blessed with you! You are already a procrastinator like your mommy and daddy! We found out mommy was pregnant with you 4 days after her birthday. Thank you for giving her the best belated birthday present ever! You are 5 weeks old today! Just 35 more weeks to go! On October 3rd we go in for the group session where mommy will fill out paperwork and give blood and make the appointment to see you for the first time! We can't wait. We already love you so much!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

 <3

OMG

THIS IS REAL. I AM REALLY PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 weeks shy of trying for a freaking year and I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!

The battle is never ending.

Today (and many other days) I have been thinking about how hard it is for me to believe I was ever pregnant before. In 2 more months it will be October, the TTC again one year mark. I don't know if it's because of all of the mental pain I have suffered in the last 10 months or what but I don't remember how I felt when I was pregnant. I know I was super happy but I don't remember anything. I KNOW I had acid reflux and I was tired but when I say I don't remember, I mean I physically can't remember what it was like. Did my mind place a block there as to protect me from more pain? It's the strangest thing. For the record, I started my period again this month. This time it was 4 days late and annoying as heck. Another $8 on pregnancy tests thrown down the toilet. I really need to learn to be more patient. So does my husband.

Life right now

We are so busy there is hardly enough time in the day, much less any time to think about the fact that it is now August and coming up on the TTC 10 month mark. I feel like maybe things will be better with TTC now that we can't/don't think about it.

I still wish I could convince myself that I don't want a baby because this would be a lot easier to deal with if I felt that way. I sometimes find myself to be jealous of the couples out there that never feel like they need a child.

The house is coming along nicely so that's a big plus. We bought some stones to make a walkway and garden area in leading from the back door so now we have a big project to take care of! Yet another thing to keep us busy. It really does help, though. Everyone told me staying busy helps keep your mind off of things. I guess I should start listening.

I guess I'm not ok

I heard Over You by Miranda Lambert today and it turned me into a pile of mush. The words "You went away. How dare you. I miss you. They say I'll be ok but I'm not going to ever get over you" hit my heart like a brick. This time last year my husband and I were in heaven. This time last year I was about 6 weeks pregnant. Saying that now feels so crazy especially since I had my missed miscarriage at 7 weeks and didn't find out until I was almost 12 weeks.

I just realized that this was the month I found out I was pregnant last year. Like I said, I have been pretty busy. Now my heart is heavy. Now I want to listen to a bunch of sad songs and cry and curl up into a ball. Instead, though, I will finish cleaning up and play some more SongPop to try to take my mind off of it. Problem solved?

Keeping Busy

I guess it does help keep your mind off of things when you are too busy to think about them. When I first started this blog I was in a very dark place as I have been so many months since I had my miscarriage. Well, we bought our house and I have been way too busy with packing/unpacking/cleaning etc to even think about how sad I could have been when I started my period this month. For the first time in months, I didn't cry. I guess I didn't have time to and even when I did have time to, my mind was off in another planet.

I don't know what next month will bring, but I remain hopeful that this is the beginning of me getting over that dark place and climbing to a new place that is full of peace and happiness.

Sometimes a part of me wants to not want a baby anymore because if I make myself believe I don't want a baby, it can't hurt so badly that I don't have one yet, right? Yeah right. I could never make myself believe that.

Anyway, things are better. For now...