The battle is never ending.

Today (and many other days) I have been thinking about how hard it is for me to believe I was ever pregnant before. In 2 more months it will be October, the TTC again one year mark. I don't know if it's because of all of the mental pain I have suffered in the last 10 months or what but I don't remember how I felt when I was pregnant. I know I was super happy but I don't remember anything. I KNOW I had acid reflux and I was tired but when I say I don't remember, I mean I physically can't remember what it was like. Did my mind place a block there as to protect me from more pain? It's the strangest thing. For the record, I started my period again this month. This time it was 4 days late and annoying as heck. Another $8 on pregnancy tests thrown down the toilet. I really need to learn to be more patient. So does my husband.

Life right now

We are so busy there is hardly enough time in the day, much less any time to think about the fact that it is now August and coming up on the TTC 10 month mark. I feel like maybe things will be better with TTC now that we can't/don't think about it.

I still wish I could convince myself that I don't want a baby because this would be a lot easier to deal with if I felt that way. I sometimes find myself to be jealous of the couples out there that never feel like they need a child.

The house is coming along nicely so that's a big plus. We bought some stones to make a walkway and garden area in leading from the back door so now we have a big project to take care of! Yet another thing to keep us busy. It really does help, though. Everyone told me staying busy helps keep your mind off of things. I guess I should start listening.

I guess I'm not ok

I heard Over You by Miranda Lambert today and it turned me into a pile of mush. The words "You went away. How dare you. I miss you. They say I'll be ok but I'm not going to ever get over you" hit my heart like a brick. This time last year my husband and I were in heaven. This time last year I was about 6 weeks pregnant. Saying that now feels so crazy especially since I had my missed miscarriage at 7 weeks and didn't find out until I was almost 12 weeks.

I just realized that this was the month I found out I was pregnant last year. Like I said, I have been pretty busy. Now my heart is heavy. Now I want to listen to a bunch of sad songs and cry and curl up into a ball. Instead, though, I will finish cleaning up and play some more SongPop to try to take my mind off of it. Problem solved?

Keeping Busy

I guess it does help keep your mind off of things when you are too busy to think about them. When I first started this blog I was in a very dark place as I have been so many months since I had my miscarriage. Well, we bought our house and I have been way too busy with packing/unpacking/cleaning etc to even think about how sad I could have been when I started my period this month. For the first time in months, I didn't cry. I guess I didn't have time to and even when I did have time to, my mind was off in another planet.

I don't know what next month will bring, but I remain hopeful that this is the beginning of me getting over that dark place and climbing to a new place that is full of peace and happiness.

Sometimes a part of me wants to not want a baby anymore because if I make myself believe I don't want a baby, it can't hurt so badly that I don't have one yet, right? Yeah right. I could never make myself believe that.

Anyway, things are better. For now...

A new low

Last night was filled with wine. Lots and lots of wine. Moscato to be exact. Me+lots of wine=too dang honest (and a sob fest). I told my husband how I felt like I didn't trust him because of the fact that I don't like myself anymore (miscarriage induced hatred). I cried my heart out and apologized a million times. Oddly, he hadn't even noticed that I had stopped trusting him. I know I kept it to a minimum but I had checked in on him before and I admitted that last night. I know what you're thinking right now... "This girl is totally jacked in the head" and if I'm right about YOU thinking that, YOU'RE right about ME being jacked in the head. Congratulations. Anyway, I know that was really random but it's a HUGE part of my life since miscarrying/the TTC saga.

Honesty

After I had my miscarriage I bundled all of my feelings into my own heart and head. I didn't want anyone to know how much I was hurting. 8 months later I told my husband just how badly I hurt, STILL. I told him I had been thinking about seeing a psychiatrist. I still haven't tried to see one. I really feel like I should be able to work through these issues on my own like I always have. After starting my period once again this month, I decided to say f*** it. I'm not "trying" anymore. I want a baby more than I have ever wanted anything else but I don't want it to take over my wonderful life with my husband like it has been. I don't want to be sad all the time. I don't want to be angry all the time. If I get pregnant, I get pregnant. If I don't, we just go about our lives like we have been until we can speak with someone and get testing done in October (the TTC 1 year mark). I don't want to feel this way anymore. For now, I am going to focus on my husband and our dog-der, Mocha. We have a great life, we really do. We are in the process of buying our first house that we absolutely adore and finally moving out of the 2 story home we are renting that I hate, hate, HATE. I can't wait to feel the way I felt before I ever got pregnant or we ever entertained the thought of TTC. My life has been hell ever since the miscarriage and I just want the old me back.

How it began:

Last July, on the 18th,  we found out amazing news. I was a month pregnant with our first child after trying for a month and a half. We were stunned and overcome with joy. On September 4th we found out I had a missed miscarriage when I was only 7 weeks and 1 day along. We were once again stunned but this time completely heartbroken. I did nothing but sob and take percocet for 2 days. That was the hardest thing I had ever been through. It still is. 8 months later, I feel as though the pain will never go away.

"If I could have a lifetime wish.
A dream that would come true
I'd pray to God with all my heart
For yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a thousand tears
I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart
And happy memories too.
But I never wanted memories
I only wanted you"
-Anonymous