I guess I'm not ok

I heard Over You by Miranda Lambert today and it turned me into a pile of mush. The words "You went away. How dare you. I miss you. They say I'll be ok but I'm not going to ever get over you" hit my heart like a brick. This time last year my husband and I were in heaven. This time last year I was about 6 weeks pregnant. Saying that now feels so crazy especially since I had my missed miscarriage at 7 weeks and didn't find out until I was almost 12 weeks.

I just realized that this was the month I found out I was pregnant last year. Like I said, I have been pretty busy. Now my heart is heavy. Now I want to listen to a bunch of sad songs and cry and curl up into a ball. Instead, though, I will finish cleaning up and play some more SongPop to try to take my mind off of it. Problem solved?

Keeping Busy

I guess it does help keep your mind off of things when you are too busy to think about them. When I first started this blog I was in a very dark place as I have been so many months since I had my miscarriage. Well, we bought our house and I have been way too busy with packing/unpacking/cleaning etc to even think about how sad I could have been when I started my period this month. For the first time in months, I didn't cry. I guess I didn't have time to and even when I did have time to, my mind was off in another planet.

I don't know what next month will bring, but I remain hopeful that this is the beginning of me getting over that dark place and climbing to a new place that is full of peace and happiness.

Sometimes a part of me wants to not want a baby anymore because if I make myself believe I don't want a baby, it can't hurt so badly that I don't have one yet, right? Yeah right. I could never make myself believe that.

Anyway, things are better. For now...