Gender reveal!

 GIRL!!!!!

 This is my favorite picture of her! It looks like she is smiling!

 My belly looks SO BIG but I love this picture!

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/WSXbsyuJYdQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Baby bump journey and an update!

SO! Have I told you guys yet that we find out the sex of our baby tomorrow??? I don't know if I ever posted that we would be finding out but we are and I'm so excited I could die!!! I will post the update tomorrow!!!

Woah!

I am showing like crazy now. I can't believe it. My belly seems to grow more and more every day. I even have horrible stretch marks :/


This is me today, at 14 weeks:

GOOD GRIEF! Where did all that come from?! I swear I'm having twins! That or I am going to be HUGEEEEEEEE.

A throw back post

Two weeks after I had my miscarriage, I wrote an article for a website I had been writing for. They sent it right back to me and I was devastated that I wasn't allowed to share my story. I ended up telling them I could no longer write for them. This is that article:

In The Blink of an Eye: Part 2

Where do I start? Well, I am just going to say it and save the huge story behind it. I had a miscarriage. The short story is on September 2nd I went into the er for light spotting and found out 5 hours later that our baby had passed away. I got a d and c on September 6th and found out that day that the baby had actually passed away at 7 weeks and 1 day. I was 11 1/2 weeks when I had the surgery.

The day we found out I miscarried was my breaking point. I cried for the whole day. When I stopped, I just started right back up again. The only time I didn't cry was when I was sleeping that night. The next day, I repeated the cycle. It has been 2 weeks and it still feels like it happened yesterday. I didn't cry yesterday, though, so I know it didn't happen yesterday.

Now, we are healing. It was easier to my husband to heal and sometimes I get so angry at him for it. He seems to be able to go days without thinking about it. I can't even go a couple of hours without thinking about it. In the emptiness I now feel inside of me, I have a constant reminder.

What I have't mentioned yet is that my husband wasn't there. For any of it, really. He was on duty the night it happened. My best friend took me to the er and she had to call the ship to tell him he needed to come to the er ASAP. On the day I had my d and c he couldn't get a hold of anyone on the ship when he called so he had to drive there to let them know what was going on. I didn't get to see him before I went into surgery though I DID get to see him after I woke up. The next day I was supposed to have someone with me for 24 hours but he had duty again so he couldn't. My best friend was able to come stay with me until 5 pm, thank God.

I didn't write this story to get pity, rather to show just how little he is able to be around even when he is here. The Navy doesn't have it as easy as people think. Neither do the families.

We just can't wait until we get to try again and we pray that God will let the next one stay on Earth with us. After all, how many angel babies does he really need?









I shared this article because I hate that I was silenced. I should have been allowed to post it. Even if there were things they wanted me to change before I did, I should have been allowed.

11 weeks and 5 days

I am now almost 12 weeks and that means a great deal to me. Once that 12th week is over, we are in the second trimester! Can you guys believe we have come this far?! I can't! I should say I WOULDN'T if it weren't for the fact that I saw baby D moving with my own 2 eyes last week.

Here is my pregnancy in pictures so far:

Baby D: 7 weeks and 4 days

Here are my before pregnancy photos:

Me at 7 weeks in all my bloated glory: (I lost weight between this pic and the 3rd pic)

Me at 10 weeks 5 days:

Me at 11 weeks and 1 day:

I think the first 2 pictures were pure, major amounts of bloat because I look thinner in this picture but I have the bump. I'm positive this is a baby bump!
This is me today at 11 weeks 5 days:

 Here's baby D at 11 weeks! And some flowers, lol. The ultrasound pics are upside down so you guys can see where the head and everything is. It makes more sense this way.

 We got our special ornaments and one of them is parents to be! At 8ish weeks along I had a panic attack because I lost symptoms so I tested again to make myself feel better, lol. Lastly, I got this awesome Boppy body pillow. It is SO COMFY. I have used it every night since getting it!

 This is one of my favorite maternity outfits. I got a ton of maternity clothes given to me! I absolutely adore this fertility necklace a friend made and secretly sent me, as well! In the picture of me soaking wet, we had a hurricane (sort it! It side swiped us.) and I decided we should go down to the ocean front and take pics and video. Goodness were we soaked afterward! The last photo is a baby blanket that another friend secretly sent me! It is so adorable!

I hope you all enjoy the new blog. I know I was a bit negative and raw before but that was the point of this blog. TTC is supposed to be fun and awesome and amazing but it can turn ugly in an instant.

To Our Rainbow Baby:

We have waited so long for you and you are finally here! Last year we got pregnant with your older brother/sister but God needed him/her more than we did. We were so sad and mommy cried and cried. We tried for almost a year before we were finally blessed with you! You are already a procrastinator like your mommy and daddy! We found out mommy was pregnant with you 4 days after her birthday. Thank you for giving her the best belated birthday present ever! You are 5 weeks old today! Just 35 more weeks to go! On October 3rd we go in for the group session where mommy will fill out paperwork and give blood and make the appointment to see you for the first time! We can't wait. We already love you so much!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

 <3

OMG

THIS IS REAL. I AM REALLY PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 weeks shy of trying for a freaking year and I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!

The battle is never ending.

Today (and many other days) I have been thinking about how hard it is for me to believe I was ever pregnant before. In 2 more months it will be October, the TTC again one year mark. I don't know if it's because of all of the mental pain I have suffered in the last 10 months or what but I don't remember how I felt when I was pregnant. I know I was super happy but I don't remember anything. I KNOW I had acid reflux and I was tired but when I say I don't remember, I mean I physically can't remember what it was like. Did my mind place a block there as to protect me from more pain? It's the strangest thing. For the record, I started my period again this month. This time it was 4 days late and annoying as heck. Another $8 on pregnancy tests thrown down the toilet. I really need to learn to be more patient. So does my husband.

Life right now

We are so busy there is hardly enough time in the day, much less any time to think about the fact that it is now August and coming up on the TTC 10 month mark. I feel like maybe things will be better with TTC now that we can't/don't think about it.

I still wish I could convince myself that I don't want a baby because this would be a lot easier to deal with if I felt that way. I sometimes find myself to be jealous of the couples out there that never feel like they need a child.

The house is coming along nicely so that's a big plus. We bought some stones to make a walkway and garden area in leading from the back door so now we have a big project to take care of! Yet another thing to keep us busy. It really does help, though. Everyone told me staying busy helps keep your mind off of things. I guess I should start listening.

I guess I'm not ok

I heard Over You by Miranda Lambert today and it turned me into a pile of mush. The words "You went away. How dare you. I miss you. They say I'll be ok but I'm not going to ever get over you" hit my heart like a brick. This time last year my husband and I were in heaven. This time last year I was about 6 weeks pregnant. Saying that now feels so crazy especially since I had my missed miscarriage at 7 weeks and didn't find out until I was almost 12 weeks.

I just realized that this was the month I found out I was pregnant last year. Like I said, I have been pretty busy. Now my heart is heavy. Now I want to listen to a bunch of sad songs and cry and curl up into a ball. Instead, though, I will finish cleaning up and play some more SongPop to try to take my mind off of it. Problem solved?

Keeping Busy

I guess it does help keep your mind off of things when you are too busy to think about them. When I first started this blog I was in a very dark place as I have been so many months since I had my miscarriage. Well, we bought our house and I have been way too busy with packing/unpacking/cleaning etc to even think about how sad I could have been when I started my period this month. For the first time in months, I didn't cry. I guess I didn't have time to and even when I did have time to, my mind was off in another planet.

I don't know what next month will bring, but I remain hopeful that this is the beginning of me getting over that dark place and climbing to a new place that is full of peace and happiness.

Sometimes a part of me wants to not want a baby anymore because if I make myself believe I don't want a baby, it can't hurt so badly that I don't have one yet, right? Yeah right. I could never make myself believe that.

Anyway, things are better. For now...

A new low

Last night was filled with wine. Lots and lots of wine. Moscato to be exact. Me+lots of wine=too dang honest (and a sob fest). I told my husband how I felt like I didn't trust him because of the fact that I don't like myself anymore (miscarriage induced hatred). I cried my heart out and apologized a million times. Oddly, he hadn't even noticed that I had stopped trusting him. I know I kept it to a minimum but I had checked in on him before and I admitted that last night. I know what you're thinking right now... "This girl is totally jacked in the head" and if I'm right about YOU thinking that, YOU'RE right about ME being jacked in the head. Congratulations. Anyway, I know that was really random but it's a HUGE part of my life since miscarrying/the TTC saga.

Honesty

After I had my miscarriage I bundled all of my feelings into my own heart and head. I didn't want anyone to know how much I was hurting. 8 months later I told my husband just how badly I hurt, STILL. I told him I had been thinking about seeing a psychiatrist. I still haven't tried to see one. I really feel like I should be able to work through these issues on my own like I always have. After starting my period once again this month, I decided to say f*** it. I'm not "trying" anymore. I want a baby more than I have ever wanted anything else but I don't want it to take over my wonderful life with my husband like it has been. I don't want to be sad all the time. I don't want to be angry all the time. If I get pregnant, I get pregnant. If I don't, we just go about our lives like we have been until we can speak with someone and get testing done in October (the TTC 1 year mark). I don't want to feel this way anymore. For now, I am going to focus on my husband and our dog-der, Mocha. We have a great life, we really do. We are in the process of buying our first house that we absolutely adore and finally moving out of the 2 story home we are renting that I hate, hate, HATE. I can't wait to feel the way I felt before I ever got pregnant or we ever entertained the thought of TTC. My life has been hell ever since the miscarriage and I just want the old me back.

How it began:

Last July, on the 18th,  we found out amazing news. I was a month pregnant with our first child after trying for a month and a half. We were stunned and overcome with joy. On September 4th we found out I had a missed miscarriage when I was only 7 weeks and 1 day along. We were once again stunned but this time completely heartbroken. I did nothing but sob and take percocet for 2 days. That was the hardest thing I had ever been through. It still is. 8 months later, I feel as though the pain will never go away.

"If I could have a lifetime wish.
A dream that would come true
I'd pray to God with all my heart
For yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a thousand tears
I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart
And happy memories too.
But I never wanted memories
I only wanted you"
-Anonymous

Intro

First thing: Let me say this... You will never understand the pain we go through unless you experience it. It's like going crazy and getting your heart picked apart, both in extremely slow motion. People try to be understanding & sympathetic towards my pain and suffering but no one really knows how I feel month after month after month after month. No one that hasn't gone through this will ever understand what it's like to be 1&4 women who miscarry nor will they understand how completely devastating it is to start your period every month. This is a place where I am going to do my best to illustrate the pain I feel without sugar coating it because I feel like people REALLY DO need to understand. This is month 8 of my husband and I trying to conceive after miscarrying our first. I am inches away from being a total manic depressive nut job.

This is my journey.