A new low

Last night was filled with wine. Lots and lots of wine. Moscato to be exact. Me+lots of wine=too dang honest (and a sob fest). I told my husband how I felt like I didn't trust him because of the fact that I don't like myself anymore (miscarriage induced hatred). I cried my heart out and apologized a million times. Oddly, he hadn't even noticed that I had stopped trusting him. I know I kept it to a minimum but I had checked in on him before and I admitted that last night. I know what you're thinking right now... "This girl is totally jacked in the head" and if I'm right about YOU thinking that, YOU'RE right about ME being jacked in the head. Congratulations. Anyway, I know that was really random but it's a HUGE part of my life since miscarrying/the TTC saga.

Honesty

After I had my miscarriage I bundled all of my feelings into my own heart and head. I didn't want anyone to know how much I was hurting. 8 months later I told my husband just how badly I hurt, STILL. I told him I had been thinking about seeing a psychiatrist. I still haven't tried to see one. I really feel like I should be able to work through these issues on my own like I always have. After starting my period once again this month, I decided to say f*** it. I'm not "trying" anymore. I want a baby more than I have ever wanted anything else but I don't want it to take over my wonderful life with my husband like it has been. I don't want to be sad all the time. I don't want to be angry all the time. If I get pregnant, I get pregnant. If I don't, we just go about our lives like we have been until we can speak with someone and get testing done in October (the TTC 1 year mark). I don't want to feel this way anymore. For now, I am going to focus on my husband and our dog-der, Mocha. We have a great life, we really do. We are in the process of buying our first house that we absolutely adore and finally moving out of the 2 story home we are renting that I hate, hate, HATE. I can't wait to feel the way I felt before I ever got pregnant or we ever entertained the thought of TTC. My life has been hell ever since the miscarriage and I just want the old me back.

How it began:

Last July, on the 18th,  we found out amazing news. I was a month pregnant with our first child after trying for a month and a half. We were stunned and overcome with joy. On September 4th we found out I had a missed miscarriage when I was only 7 weeks and 1 day along. We were once again stunned but this time completely heartbroken. I did nothing but sob and take percocet for 2 days. That was the hardest thing I had ever been through. It still is. 8 months later, I feel as though the pain will never go away.

"If I could have a lifetime wish.
A dream that would come true
I'd pray to God with all my heart
For yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a thousand tears
I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart
And happy memories too.
But I never wanted memories
I only wanted you"
-Anonymous

Intro

First thing: Let me say this... You will never understand the pain we go through unless you experience it. It's like going crazy and getting your heart picked apart, both in extremely slow motion. People try to be understanding & sympathetic towards my pain and suffering but no one really knows how I feel month after month after month after month. No one that hasn't gone through this will ever understand what it's like to be 1&4 women who miscarry nor will they understand how completely devastating it is to start your period every month. This is a place where I am going to do my best to illustrate the pain I feel without sugar coating it because I feel like people REALLY DO need to understand. This is month 8 of my husband and I trying to conceive after miscarrying our first. I am inches away from being a total manic depressive nut job.

This is my journey.